This week has been a lonely one for me, having Cliff home for only 5 days after 28 away and no work to occupy my time. Laying awake last night I determined not to let myself be dragged down that road of crushing despair and picked up my Kindle reading the Passion Translation well into the night. I needed to know that my Beloved, Jesus, was enough to fill all the places in my empty heart. I am blessed that my husband is merely working away. I know many have lost partners or are yet to find a soul mate. Yet, no matter what your relationship status is Single, Married or It's complicated; there is a deep place that no person can fill even if they are with you 24/7 and perfect!
God meant it to be that way. It is His place. He remains the jealous lover of our souls, even when we are married.
It took me a long sleepless night to remember this. So as I sat in my little caravan today, I determined I had to find my way back to that intimacy with Jesus, where he would fill every empty place with the water that quenches every thirst of my heart.(Easier said than done when you are in that 'feeling far off' state.) After an hour and half praying in the Spirit while I finished my husband's crocheted blanket, I finally felt that familiar whisper in my ear. Not sweet nothings, but gentle promptings and revelations about my situation.
My beloved reminded me that I need to draw near to Him, and then the way is opened up for Him to be able to draw near to me. I cannot speak for men, but I do know that as a wife I need to soften my heart towards my husband and allow myself to be wooed at times. I cannot expect to be close to my Jesus when I have a hard heart, and it happens so easily. You cannot break anyone else's heart without causing injury to your own, be it friends or enemies, so confession was a good place to begin. I could feel His love flowing into the cracks and dry places.
I remembered Valentine's Day 2012... and the amazing gift that He gave me on that day. Working as a school cleaner, and feeling a mite disgruntled with my husband's lack of Valentine's Day enthusiasm...(Sorry Dear!), a fellow worker was presented with a box of chocolates and a glorious bunch of red roses accented by dainty white Baby's Breath (the Wedding flower of many). Stabs of jealousy hit my heart, and I was glad to leave the communal room where they were on display and go off to my menial tasks. However it just so happened that her husband was a teacher in my area, and she sent the flowers up to his room so he could take them home for her. Left to look at the gift that mirrored the flaw in my heart, I went to the far end of the building where the Holy Spirit gave me my gift. He simply brought to mind two incidents in my life... One where I was publicly humiliated and one where I was publicly honoured; both were in Church settings with about 1,000 people present. As He drew my attention to the parallels in many ways, He showed me that He arranged the honouring to make up for the humiliation. I would never have realised on my own as they were over 15 years apart. My Beloved cares for every wound in my heart, and wants me to be whole so I can receive His love in greater measure. If I look at others lives it gives me a false reflection, and even if I look at myself in what I would term 'all honesty' it is not a pretty sight. When Jesus looks at me through eyes of love and I turn my eyes on Him, then I can see myself like a bride. I just discovered this song by Casting Crowns this week and it describes it beautifully... WEDDING DAY
If you are in any way like me this Valentine's Day and feeling the very real pain of loneliness, I encourage you to soften your heart towards Jesus and let Him fill the emptiness. This is not merely a platitude, but a very real solution to the pain. I know, I applied it today and the balm of His presence once again has healed my soul and softened my heart.
